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The Zoo 4: Stomachs
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The Zoo 4 - Stomachs (Disk 2 of 2).adf
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Fucked.ade
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1978-03-08
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*!EOM
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1450Y00F06avantg14Y00C6Y00C4Y00C1Y24C3Y28C1Y29C2Y29C1NHow I was fucked up the arse in Hospital
2319Y00F05goghb23Y00C4NBy Wigboy Monkfish
0819Y00F05pearl08Y00C5N
0801NBit of a dodgy tale this but at the end of day the the rear's holding up fine
0801Nand it's not that much of a pain in the arse now. Intrigued? No, oh well read
0801Non anyway.
0801N
0801NGenrally speaking 7 inch spikes are quite safe on fences, they are not though
0801Nnice things to have jammed into your arse. Which was what (www) happened to
0801Nme. Picture the scene 20+ people ready to depart to the pub after the cinema
0801Nat about 9pm ish. You've had a laffe, now your bored as the bus doesn't seem
0801Nto be coming.
0801N
0801NLooking around you convince yourself it would be a good idea to climb on top
0801Nof the bus shelter. But you have to climb onto a fence fence first. A wet
0801Nfence. A wet, slippery fence. A wet, slippery fence with 7 inch spikes on the
0801Ntop of it.
0801N
0801NWell like a daft bugger I did that, slipped and landed so I was sitting on
0801Nthe fence with a 7inch spike in my bum. I jumped off cos I could touch the
0801Nfloor.
0801N
0801NThe worst bit was that no-one had seen me land on the spike, some-one asked
0801Nme why I was jumping around with my hand up me bum, I lifted a bloody hand
0801Nand much confusion followed.
0801N
0811Y27C1Y41C5NAn eyewitness describes: I was there.
0801N
0801NThrilling stuff. After my better half nicked me mate's t-shirt I shoved it up
0801Nmy bum to stop the bleeding. Now on the floor a couple of girls were crying
0801Nand the rest where groaning at my stupidity. These two women approaching me
0801Ncrossed the road to avoid me and stood opposite me pointing at me.
0801N
0801NUnknown to me a friend called an ambulance and then my mum. Who promptly
0801Naccused the poor girl of being drunk. The ambulance arrived, well promptly I
0801Nthink but I may not have a very good sense of time here. Anyway I was bundled
0801Nin the back with my girlfirend coming along to see if I was ok. The driver
0801Nproceded to drive me to Preston A+E. Then he changed his mind and took me to
0801NChorley instead along roads I didn't recognize.
0801N
0811Y46C7Y69C5NEventually getting there we rang Gemma's house [Wigboy's lovely gall] and her
0801Nmum and dad had already gone to Preston. Eventually both sets of Parents
0801Nturned up and my Mum's first speech was: "Can I have a look?". NO!!!! No
0801Nwonder I'm fucked in the head with a sick mother like that.
0801N
0801NAnyway I waited, bleeding slowly to death, for three hours for a doctor. When
0801Nhe appeared he put his head in the door and said: "I'll get the Surgeon". Now
0801Nis it me (yes it is) or is there something amiss here. I waited 3 HOURS for a
0801Nman to say: "I'll get the Surgeon". Personally I think the NHS is really
0801Nfucked up but I may go into some other time.
0801N
0801NSo a surgeon appeared (Girlfriend + parents had left cause it was about 12:30
0801NAM) and my parents left. I won't go into detail about this bit but needless
0801Nto say it involved a lenth of plastic tubing and some KY Jelly.
0801N
0801NEventually at about 1:30 PM that day I was admitted to surgery and the wound
0801Nwas cleaned and stuffed. That's right stuffed. The actual wound was 7 INCHES
0801NDEEP AND 1 INCH WIDE. Sewing it up would leave me with a big hole inside of
0801Nme which would go septic. So they had the bright idea of stuffing 3 METRES'S
0801NOF BANDAGE UP MY ARSE.
0801N
0801NThis now meant that every day for the next 7 weeks or so I would my arse
0801Nstuffed with bandages. Now the nurse's in hospital are not normal. This
0801Nbrings me onto:
0801N
0801NIVAN: THE DEVIL NURSE. Ivan was a 5 foot ginger male nurse from Checkslovakia
0801Nwho had as much medical experience as Ade. [I'm sure the rest this joke will
0801Nbe understood by the majority of the readers - Jude] i.e. lots about the
0801NArse. He had ginger hair growing on his hands and a short ginger goatee. He
0801Nwas a ginger nurse. Now I like ginger people (two of my best mate's are
0801Nginger) BUT THEY DO NOT HAVE GINGER NOSTRIL HAIRS WITH GINGER EAR-HAIR.
0801N
0811Y00C2Y21C5NCONTINUED IN PART TWO, Tough S. No just S.
*!EOF